Andrew Machemer

So I am going public with poetry! Let me know what ya think!


You may not know me,
But I know you.
We are together,
Your in my view.

As blood roams my body,
As warmth holds my soul.
My love is eternal,
Your love is my goal.

Sometimes I follow
But most times I lurk,
Because if you saw me
I can’t make this work

If you knew who I was
Then your love won’t suffice
They’ll say it was wrong
We’d both pay the price.

We can finally meet
As I follow you home.
Ice cold metal
Taste of blood and chrome.

No one will love you
The way that I can
Lying in silence
Warmth fades from your hand.

I’ll never love again
Enough to take life
My final hour is coming,
Now I’ll taste the knife.

Yeah so I totally can't sleep again and this is really starting to make me mad. I lay in bed and think and think and think about what I am doing with myself. I try to close my eyes and fall asleep and it won't work. So I have come to the conclusion that I really need to make some changes with my life.

The first big one would have to be my work. I hate my job and I hate the people that I work with. I work for probably the worst company in the world. I work in an outsourced health care customer service department. Imagine going to work in the morning and not knowing you have to be there. Imagine sitting at work and hoping they do not send you home cause they are over staffed. Or maybe even imagine that maybe you will get fired for something that you could not control!. This is my work life. Now don't get me wrong my friends there are great and I am very thankful to have them. If it was not for them I would not be able to keep my sanity. However that isn't everything....I get walked on and taken advantage of every day by supervisor and managers who have no idea who I am or what I have done for the company on and off the clock.

We also have some people in from out client and they are really cool. I have had a lot of fun with them the last few days and I am happy for that. Now i know they are the client and that they really do have a say whether they think they do or not. I like them and I have been told that they may not really like us in general. People are two faced and its one of those things that you need to learn to deal with however I give people the benefit of the doubt and I don't want to believe that. Then there are the facts. Emails and phone calls from the client to our site. Now that is a non direct effect and does not really concern me, as long as I don't get fired I am fine with that. However I thought it would be nice to try and include our guests in some out side of work fun and maybe go out a few times. I have asked and they really have not said anything....so they are trying to be professional I can't blame them, they are looking out for themselves. So I go on face book and there they are at the clubs with other agents so that hit home for me and makes me question, Why not me? Self esteem what a downer!.

Anyway other than work I have been trying to find some one. Its definitely not easy and it drives me nuts. Again with the self esteem issues yay! Maybe some day I will find you who ever you are.

So I have finally come to the conclusion that finding a significant other isn't really something I wanna do. I have tried those countless dating websites and apps on my phone but nothing (in my eyes) can compare to meeting that right person when the time is right. I figured that I my not be trying as hard as I should, or should I not be trying hard at all? Things will come when the time is right and then I will be forced with the major decision of....If this is what I want, then what do I do with it? Since I am looking into a new job I guess I will be able to meet new people and who knows maybe it will be what I was looking for.

One of the major obstacles I will need to over come is self esteem. It something that I have lacked my entire life and I have to come to terms that I may never find it. Keeping up apperances is nothing compared to dealing with the day to day fuss of "Do I look good?".

When I do find it I sure as hell won't know what to do with it. But when I do find it oh boy and I going to love it!

Yeah so I rarely have dreams as it is, but when I do have a dream it could be classified as Horror of Thriller Genre is if was a movie. However last night I had this odd dream and I don't know how to describe it other than saying it was fun! No i was able to view the whole dream and it kinda played out like a movie that just followed me where ever I went.
In the dream I was at some sort of a sporting event. Now since I am not the sporty kind of person in the dream the kind of sport was irrelevant. Now usually when I dream its my friends and family that are with me this time it was both and celebrities which was kinda odd. Here is the list of celebs in the dream and what relevance they had.

Lil Kim - In the dream she was mad at me cause I had talked trash about one of her friends who in real life is one of my friends so that was weird, and also I have had dreams with her in it before where she isn't mad at me but we are friends lol.

Heather (From Rock of Love) - She was only in it for a few mins. Me and Rebbeca Gayheart are walking through the venue and we run into her in the stands with two guys. From what I remember she is a friend of ours and was so excited to see us. As for the two guys she was with they were just laughing and making out ( which was weird.

Michael Jackson - He was only in the dream for like 1 second but me and Rebecca spent the whole dream looking for him so we can meet him.

Robert Pattinson - Just walking around and saying Hi to us every once and a while.

Chris Martin - Another person just walking around talking to us.

Rebbeca Gayheart - I guess she was like my best friend and she was with me the whole time I had the dream.

I wanna say there was more but I can't remember anyone else that was in it.

Now there was not story to the dream at all just us walking around and talking to people trying to find Michael Jackson. The oddest thing was that in the dream I called my friend from real life to tell her that we ran into Robert Pattinson who is the Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and he is the vampire in the new twilight movie, but when I woke up this morning I actually called her when I was sleeping but she has not said anything to me yet lol.

Well thats really it, it was a fun dream and nice that I didn't wake up in the middle of the night scared lol.

So the reason I am starting a blog is because there are a lot of things going on in my life right now that I just want to get out there and see how other people feel about them. Now some of the things may be just normal things that happen to people on a regular basis but here is some background that will make you realize where I am coming from.

I am 24 years old and I am the second of four other boys in my immediate family. Now out of myself and my 3 brothers I am the only brother that still lives at home with my parents and I am one of 2 gay brothers. My family knows about me but they do not know about my other brother who is younger than me. I have been out for about 6 years now and nothing has really come of it so that's really all I am going to say about that.

I was born in Buffalo, NY as were the rest of my family. We were not particularly rich family in fact to most of my childhood I remember us being poor. When I was about 9 years old we moved to Niagara Falls because my parents lost their house that they had. In Niagara Falls we lived on one of the busiest street in the city and we did not have an kids to play with. When I started school I made friends and some of them I am still friends with to this day. In 2002 when I was 18 years old we moved again further towards the city and now we currently reside in what people in the area would call a rich neighborhood. The majority of my friends now I have known for less than 6 years and they don't really know what I had (or did not have) when I was a child. More of this will come up in later blogs when it is relevant.

In the last 3 years I have had the same job working for a customer service/sales department for a major health care company. This is something I would not advised people to do just because it is not a fun thing to do and you don't really get much of an opportunity to help people if that's what you like to do. Recently I have gotten laid off and I am not unemployed and getting ready to start my new semester at school and I can not wait and that is not being sarcastic.

So that brings me up to the current night where I am sitting on the computer typing this. The next blog I am going to write about is a little more personal if this isn't. Let me know what you think about my writings and let me know how you feel about my situations. If you have any comments please don't hesitate on giving me feedback.